The Exception

This week has been exceptional in every way that is not cool.  Maybe my depression funk has morphed into crazy, let-me-send-a-punchogram-to-your-face phase.

Known fact:  Had surgery last Friday.  Doctor advised I needed to stay off my feet for a week so I could heal (remember this for later).
Known fact:  Blogged sometime over the weekend (it really is a haze) and maybe was feeling some warm fuzziness at that time.

Since then it has been ridiculous.

I worked from home on Monday, which rocked my world because I never sat up beyond a 15-30 degree angle, or changed out of my pajamas.  At some point that day all hell broke loose due to a major tech/project release.  Sucketh commenceth.

Every day since I've been on my feet and working 10-12 hours a day.  Normally I don't even care about the number of hours--to me that's just taking care of business.  I worked way more than this last quarter, and for a longer period of time.  I don't think anyone expected things go this wrong, and that there wouldn't be enough manpower in my location.

BUT, I do care when I hurt so bad I am on the verge of throwing up all day.

At this point my back has become the least of my worries, though it continues to plague me.  I haven't been able to change out dressings on a regular schedule.  I can't even get a minute of peace in the ladies' room--today I heard my name being called out while I was in the stall and was told she'd wait til I was done.  I wish I could make that up.  I'm starting to swell but don't appear to be suffering from actual medical distension at this point.  I've cried myself to sleep that last two nights because everything hurts so bad and I can't get comfortable.

I can't decide if I'm more pissed at work or myself because I didn't play the FMLA card.  I guess I'm the dumb one.  I just can't bring myself to abandon the people most impacted by all the changes and defects.  I know these people, and I don't want them to feel abandoned or unsupported.

I think that's why I'm so angry.  I feel abandoned and frustrated.  I get work info third-hand, and so many of the questions or messages I've sent go unanswered, are blown off, or responded to with an attitude that I do not have the capacity to withstand right now.  I cannot effectively help others when I am not included, and I sure as hell can't brief my superiors and colleagues when I don't know.

Same goes for the health stuff.  I'm pissed it's happening, and I feel alone.  I cannot explain how my bones hurt and the internal throbbing and stabbing feels.  I used to have things on the inside and now I don't and painkillers don't work.  They numb my brain and nothing else; I didn't even take any today because they are USELESS.  I'm tired of being asked how I'm feeling and not having a positive response to send.  I truly appreciate that people ask, but I remain unchanged until I can rest my body and heal.

I'm a snapperton at home too.  Dogs are going without pets (mostly because I can't bend down to reach them) and I have been less than nice to my betrothed.  He's been trying to joke around and tease me and it has not gone over well.  Not. at. all.  I haven't even been talking in the evenings; the fork is in deep by the time I arrive at home.

Good thing I have a fresh bottle of Reisling.  Oh wait, I already drank that.  Damn, it only took an hour to put that down.  Guess I'll get in bed and watch The Voice while writhing around until I can fall asleep.

See?  Aren't you mad too?  Ugh.  I can't wait for this weekend so I can do absolutely nothing.  I even turned down a proposition to see a Beatles cover band at a winery.  Now that's some thing to get angry about.

Today only had one redeeming quality:  "The Only Exception" by Paramore

I stopped for a cup 'o joe post doctor-visit and pre-work and I heard the early strains of this tune.  The face of a girl behind the counter lit up as she exclaimed "I Love this Song!" and I gave her the biggest smile.  I love those moments when I'm feeling the same vibe as someone else; it's like sharing the coolest secret.

"The Only Exception"
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

You are the only exception. [x4]

You are the only exception. [x4]

And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.

I remember the first time I heard that song.  I was choked up, paralyzed as I let the sound wash over me.  I have felt those feelings before, and I treasure the memory of that overwhelming sensation.  I am one who believes that all love has a place in your heart, whether it is past or present.  I am lucky; I actually got to experience the greatest love of my life, even when I didn't think it could exist.  I've known a lot of other things too, but at least I have known love.  Even The Beatles say that is all you need.

This week has been wretched but it will get better.  I know it will.  It has to, right?  Maybe tonight I will hum myself to sleep instead.

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