I am in a weird mood today.
Actually, I've been in one for a little while. Like seriously jamming out to "Shake It Off" by Florence and the Machine and "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant. And I don't even care for F&TM that much. It's an occupational hazard of being me and living in my head, I suppose. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, only I don't appear to be running late.
Some of it is the agony of my lower back, but that's not all of it. Quick confession: I'm heavily medicated right now, just so I can sit upright. But I digress...I can tell when it's starting to seep through my standard dorky facade because yesterday a girl at work (that I barely know) went out of her way to ask if I was okay.
And then last night my fiance made a random statement that caught me really off guard, because 1. it was random and 2. it was a gesture typical of his extreme kindness, which takes my breath away every time. This man's generosity knows no bounds. I think he has a built-in sensor for when my over-arcing sunny outlook is rapidly sinking, because he usually busts out a grand gesture. I think he understands that if my focus is not on the positive that I fade out of...well everything pretty rapidly.
Last Fall it was a marriage proposal, in December a new car. Well, he didn't buy the car but he paid what I was upside down on my trade and extra for a down payment. Now he's talking about putting money on my house so I can refinance and lower the mortgage payment. It makes me a little uncomfortable to be honest, mostly because I've never known anyone who didn't want something in return (or to hold it over your head later).
He says it's because it's going to be our money soon enough but I still feel strange about it. I'm keeping track of everything too, because one day I will pay it all back even though he says I don't have to, that he does it because he loves me. Maybe it's because I didn't have much growing up, or because my first husband royally screwed me over financially. I am not perfect when it comes to money management, but I've been aggressively paying off debt for a while and plan to have everything (including student loans) paid off in a couple of years. That's a lot of ramen and cheerios yo.
Maybe it's because my old wedding anniversary is approaching and all this new wedding business and thoughts of R are dredging up fears and overwhelming feelings. I would've been married 12 years and "with" my ex-hubby for 16 years, and I honestly never thought I'd be apart from R and Dozie. But I am; I am on a path that I never planned for or anticipated. And all the health issues I've had are bringing up odd thoughts about mortality, how I should spend my days, and planning for my children.
Like I said, weird mood. Gotta shake it off too--I have so many reasons to be grateful for where I'm at in this exact moment. The time to be happy is now; there is no better time. Just need to take a deep breath and enjoy the journey.