Coming Out of the Cave

Well, I made it.  Thank God because the overbearing feeling of doom was not fun.  I put everyone on my surgical team on notice yesterday morning that I did not want to wake up in the middle of my procedure.  The anaesthesiologist said he ordered two bottles of sleepytime tea just for me.  And he did his job in putting me in under--so much so that the post-op team had a hard time rousing me.

Since returning home I've been mainly sleeping, with a little tv and web mixed in.  I greatly enjoyed watching the AKC dog show in between codeine-induced snoozes.  I'm still pretty sore from the surgery and anticipate the next few weeks won't be too spectacular, but at least all these pills are helping my back some too.
My fiance has been an excellent nurse, helping me in and out of bed and keeping me hydrated.  Today on Pandora I was adding to my radio station and thumbed-up the song below; it is my song of the day.

"The Cave" by  Mumford & Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults

You've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

The last couple of days have been filled with weird dreams and cryptic conversations, and hopefully everything that needs to be said is out there, whether it was actually said or not.  All I know is I need to keep working my way out of the dark place I've been in lately.  I'll know my name again soon.

Going Under

Not sure if that is a reference to the overwhelming tidal wave of everything I'm experiencing right now or what.  But I am definitely experiencing.

I am in agony.  Let me count the reasons:

My back is hurting so bad and I can't get into a specialist until next week--after I bit the scheduler's head off with a "I cannot live like this until the 22nd" diva moment.  I'm literally being stabbed in the back by my back (strained ha ha).  Today I had an fairly long and rough first day back at the office (been working from home since last Friday) and by the time I sat through rush hour traffic I could barely get out the car.  I basically hobbled my way into the living room holding a pair of socks and sobbed as my fiance put them on my feet because they were cold and I couldn't bend down.  Pathetic.

I think R hates me, and it's barely controlled at work.  Like hates me more than I can bear to consider.  I don't think I've ever been the object of so much misunderstanding and hate.  And I don't know how to cope because I don't hate him back and never will, and I've never had this kind of enmity directed at me.  It is very distracting and painful to my soul.  We just couldn't make it work and even our efforts at being "kinda friends" ended in disaster, again because he just doesn't understand what is really at the heart of everything, and because I can't seem to articulate it him (and I'm a freaking talker).  He'll never understand how everything I do is motivated by love for, and the desire to protect, those around me.  It makes me so sad and I miss my fluffy Iowan baby.  Pathetic x 2.

I am having surgery in less than 36 hours.  Two procedures at once, an unexpected turn of events.  I thought it could happen in March, but did not anticipate going in for a check-up last Friday and going under the knife the following Friday.  And even though I know what to expect medically and am totally at peace with the physiology of it all, it is bringing up a lot of buried emotions.  Like a ghost reaching out, I am now haunted by what has come before and what lies ahead.  And in spite of the general routine-ness of it all, I am plagued by morbid thoughts.  Doing my best to joke it off, but I have a feeling something is going down this Friday.  Maybe I'll just check out the light and decide it's too bright and turn back.  Times three.

I am not prepared for all this and my once fabulous talent of locking away feelings now completely escapes me.  Seriously, it's all I can do to stop playing "For The First Time" by The Script and prevent the tears from welling up (been on repeat for at least 90 minutes).  "She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart."  I am becoming soft in my old age.

And in the midst of all this, I can see the coastline.  Like that beautiful loggerhead in Turtle: The Incredible Journey, I think I just may make it to shore in spite of being pounded off the coast of Nova Scotia.  Those rocks are trying to crack my shell, but I'm not giving up.  One of my co-workers says she is impressed by how I always manage to find something positive in the face of sad or difficult events.  I guess it's because I've spent so long fighting to make it that even when I want to quit I manage to keep swimming, or at least floating until my strength comes back.

My shore is my fiance--calling to me, a horizon in the distance that promises refuge from the storm.  Honestly, I don't know how he manages to coexist with me.  Sometimes I think I'm in the ocean, and other times I think I am the ocean.  But the man is spectacular in his fortitude--he basically rescued me from the abyss of the R aftermath.  He sat with me every night that I stayed up crying (which lasted an ungodly long time) and never pressured me for anything more than open and honest conversation ("just now got the feeling we're meeting for the first time'").  He doesn't judge because he knows nobody is perfect.  He turned his life (and house) upside down to bring the kids and me into an environment suitable for us, for what I thought was a temporary arrangement, and then proposed.  With the exception of my special uncontrollable brand of internal torture, he keeps me focused on things that are positive and champions anything that makes me happy and well.

And even with all the medical challenges I've faced the last few months, and what is surely to come, he remains by my side.  He doesn't get hung up on the personal limitations it places upon me, and never makes me feel like being unwell is my fault.  He only wants for me to be at my best, whatever that is at the moment.  I keep asking him if he wants out, because it's always calmest before the storm, but he is all in.  I know my issues are painful for him as well, but he does not take it out on me.

He is gentle with my feelings, and teases me when he thinks I need a laugh or a reality check.  He takes excellent care of my furry children, and gives them all the attention they need when I cannot, which means more to me than I can say.  He understands they are my priority, my tiny loves, and doesn't even question my love for the faraway baby I can no longer see (not to mention the stockpile of gifts I hope to one day mail).

That is what it means to care about someone unconditionally; that is real.  Complete understanding that, at least for me, I need every memory that has come before because it has shaped who I am.  And not trying to erase what matters to me, not exploiting my greatest fears, because that is the fastest way to hurt and estrange me.  It is the kind of care that deserves unwavering and reciprocal loyalty. 

"Oh these times are hard, and they're making us crazy.  Don't give up on me baby."


 

Shake It Off

I am in a weird mood today. 

Actually, I've been in one for a little while.  Like seriously jamming out to "Shake It Off" by Florence and the Machine and "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant.   And I don't even care for F&TM that much.  It's an occupational hazard of being me and living in my head, I suppose.  Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, only I don't appear to be running late.

Some of it is the agony of my lower back, but that's not all of it.  Quick confession:  I'm heavily medicated right now, just so I can sit upright.  But I digress...I can tell when it's starting to seep through my standard dorky facade because yesterday a girl at work (that I barely know) went out of her way to ask if I was okay.

And then last night my fiance made a random statement that caught me really off guard, because 1. it was random and 2. it was a gesture typical of his extreme kindness, which takes my breath away every time.  This man's generosity knows no bounds.  I think he has a built-in sensor for when my over-arcing sunny outlook is rapidly sinking, because he usually busts out a grand gesture.  I think he understands that if my focus is not on the positive that I fade out of...well everything pretty rapidly.

Last Fall it was a marriage proposal, in December a new car.  Well, he didn't buy the car but he paid what I was upside down on my trade and extra for a down payment.  Now he's talking about putting money on my house so I can refinance and lower the mortgage payment.  It makes me a little uncomfortable to be honest, mostly because I've never known anyone who didn't want something in return (or to hold it over your head later).

He says it's because it's going to be our money soon enough but I still feel strange about it.  I'm keeping track of everything too, because one day I will pay it all back even though he says I don't have to, that he does it because he loves me.  Maybe it's because I didn't have much growing up, or because my first husband royally screwed me over financially.  I am not perfect when it comes to money management, but I've been aggressively paying off debt for a while and plan to have everything (including student loans) paid off in a couple of years.  That's a lot of ramen and cheerios yo.

Maybe it's because my old wedding anniversary is approaching and all this new wedding business and thoughts of R are dredging up fears and overwhelming feelings.  I would've been married 12 years and "with" my ex-hubby for 16 years, and I honestly never thought I'd be apart from R and Dozie.  But I am; I am on a path that I never planned for or anticipated.  And all the health issues I've had are bringing up odd thoughts about mortality, how I should spend my days, and planning for my children.

Like I said, weird mood.  Gotta shake it off too--I have so many reasons to be grateful for where I'm at in this exact moment.  The time to be happy is now; there is no better time.  Just need to take a deep breath and enjoy the journey.

A Noble Boy

I cast on this cowl December 30th, knocked out two pattern repeats lickety-split, and then set it down.  Too much activity since then...yoga, getting my house ready for a renter, and lots of craft experiments.  Remind me to tell you about my foray into painting later (not the house kind, I'm not allowed). 

Last night we had a five-hour storm and poor freaked out Georgie-baby kept me up all night.  This morning an overturned 18 wheeler gifted me the most excruciating drive in, so I opted out of yoga after work.  Instead I decided to do a little more cleaning at my house before hobbling home--a crappy exchange if you ask me, but oh well.

I parked it on the sofa with Gessel in a quasi-comfy position and busted out some knitting.  Little prince that he is, the boy refused to scooch over, so I forced him to model my WIP.

I am waaaay too handsome for this.

                                 

                                                 What the H mom?

Gosh you are weird.

I'm using soft and yummy Berocco Vintage DK in a dusty, heathery blue color.  I picked it up at Hill Country Weavers on a recent jaunt to Austin.  Check out my Ravelry project page for updates and FO pics!

Life's a Bowlful of...

Cherry M&Ms!

Holy smokes, these are the poster children of all that is Valentine candy deliciousness.  What the H Mars Corp?  My head is just peeking out of the medical woods and I really should not be eating these.  But I did--thirteen to be exact.  And I ate them with pretzels (two per salty twist)....oh my mouth it watering all over again. 

Unfortunately, I felt pretty crappy afterwards.  Like I could see the nurse tsk tsk-ing me in my mind's eye.  Ugh, how terrible it is to know one's personal limitations.  So grown-up.  Gross.

But look at how pretty they are:

Eat us, we're so tasty!



It's okay, they were worth the brief bout of tummy twirls.  I rewarded myself for surviving the m&m fever with some flavorful green beans and an hour of yoga.

Speaking of yoga...that's something else I survived today.  I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago and I am convinced it didn't get worse because I've been practicing daily yoga.  This last weekend was too much though, and I have been in excruciating pain for 3 days.  Guess the accident in my car Friday night didn't help either.  I didn't even go to class over the weekend!  But after standing most of the day at work (with my monitors tilted back like a super-nerd) I decided to brave it. 

I'm pretty sure I sounded like someone stepped on a puppy a few times, but I made it.  The last movement involved from transitioning out of cobra into triangle in one fluid motion.  In this condition I wouldn't say I resembled anything fluid or graceful, but I definitely breathed through the pain.  I guess now I understand why lamaze works for pregnant ladies!

A visual:



Cobra - Yogajournal.com

Triangle - pinklotus.com

I still felt really good and centered after class though, so even if I can't walk in the morning my chakras are in good shape.  Here's hoping tomorrow is an even better day than today!

Got Books?

This is my most recent FO, a cover for my aunt's Kindle.  I really, really thought I was going to start it on Christmas Eve and have it ready by Christmas night.  Ah optimism, you are a seductive minx!  There was absolutely no way aran-weight yarn on size 5 dpns was going to happen, though I diligently walked around every family gathering knitting my little heart out. 

At least I got it done before New Year's Eve though!

I really enjoyed the colorway, but the yarn had a splitty tendency that was exacerbated by the tiny needles working the pattern.  However it fits very snugly on the kindle and my aunt was happy, so it all worked out!  Get the deets at my Ravelry project page!

An Amazing New Path

For anyone who may still be out there I'll state the obvious: It's been a while.

I basically fell off the map under an avalanche of loss and all that comes with it.  I'm still learning life can't be forced to turn out the way I want; it simply unfolds in its own way and time.

And somehow, this curious time has also been highlighted by spectacular streaks of kindness, huge tidal waves of compassion and unconditional love.  I'm still not sure how I ended up in this precise moment, but I do know what to do about it.

I will live and be grateful.  I will find my bliss and do my best to help others find theirs.

I will.